2011: A strange odyssey

The canvas that is Master 6

Is nothing sacred?

There are often some strange happenings  in our home. You never know from one day to the next what may occur.

As 2011 draws to a close I thought I might do a year in review post  based on the totally odd awesome day-to-day goings on in our madhouse home sweet home. Before I begin let me first refer to the above photo.

Master 6 came to me one evening sporting his new look courtesy of a visiting friend who is now banned from our home until further notice. Yes, very creative and yes, it was permanent marker.

There was no end to it

My husband went on a label tirade and labelled anything and everything in sight. The Princesses’ birthday was no exception.

Yes, really he did

Red’s girlfriend thought it would be funny to plait his hair and put her flower in it. He also wore her skirt and went to the shops like this.  I know, I did warn you. It’s OK, you don’t have to read on. You can stop here.

There was a really annoying e on TV for pay TV with the slogan ‘Happy EOFYS’ ( end of financial year sale) and it was driving me nuts. The kids really wanted pay TV and along with their father decided to plaster the house in pay TV brochures…I mean EVERYWHERE conceivable. Where they got that many from I have no idea. Every time I opened a drawer, the fridge, under my pillow, on the stove there they were. We still do not have pay TV nor will we have it. Serves them right.

For the love of...not another one. How??? Why???

Every time I checked my photo gallery, there seemed to be a photo like this. I blame The Princess. How does this happen? Why does this happen? Photos of my Iphone screen.

I think the song went '...and a pink carnation' not a pink bow tie

Bieber dared his father to buy him a pink bow tie if he could find one (he did)  and he’d wear it to Graduation (he did).

Master of the funny faces

Master 6 was the master of the funny face this year. It seems in every photo I tried to take of him, there he would be pulling yet another face.

...and again

Like this

Or he would just ‘appear’ in photos like this ^.

Bieber was woken up on Christmas Day by an Air Horn. Nothing unusual in this house. Could have been worse. He didn’t think so. His father was not very popular at the time.

There have been paintball fights, rubber band fights, food fights, water fights and Wrestlemania. Some of it has been outside. I will now wish you a premature Happy New Year because you never know what the next 48 hours will bring here. There has been talk of confetti guns.

Before you go thinking that this would be a great place to visit, consider this…the food is a little weird. I will leave you with this…

We have had some unusual concoctions in the kitchen this year…

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Salad?

Bubble thingy

No Xbox today for ye have sinned

There are times, as parents, we need to give  our children consequences for poor choices. This might include, but is not limited to: the withdrawal of privileges, the good old-fashioned “you’re grounded” or a time out.

In my home, the Xbox is the first sacrifice of battle. If you don’t do your chores, there is no time for playing just as if Mum doesn’t do the grocery shopping we don’t eat . Hitting your sister will get you a stint on your bed, thinking about why that is not such a good way of dealing with issues followed by a discussion on the right thing to do after you have calmed down. Going to the park without telling your mother and giving her an ulcer will guarantee you don’t go anywhere for a few days plus a lecture from Mum and a stern warning from Dad. Everyone has their assigned ‘corners’ in case a wrestling match begins that would rival any WWE event and I cannot physically referee said event at the time.

Our house at 6pm every night

My children have handed each other consequences for what they consider inappropriate behaviour in what can only be described as Judge Judy meets The Super Nanny.

It's getting like that here

These are some of the questions I have asked myself since I saw this strange phenomena appearing. How do you argue with that? Actually, is that right? Is that normal? Will that damage my children’s relationships with each other? Here are some of the behaviours I have observed this week alone:

• Master 6 emphatically justifying why he had to take the Xbox cord from Bieber ( who is 12)
• The Princess (11 years) telling Bieber he needs a time out to calm down ( and then proceeds to tell him he needs more sleep – it will improve his mood)
• Bieber telling Red (who is 7 years his senior and has just moved back home) that he should get a full-time job or Mum and Dad will cut your internet – “that’s the way it works around here you know”
• The Princess explaining to Master 6 that he needs to stop running in the house because he’s going to hurt himself or –  “you’re going to your corner”
• Bieber telling Master 6 that if he doesn’t hurry up and take his bath then he will miss out on the family movie and go to bed early

I’m just starting to wonder if they are going to set consequences for me soon.

You’ll never guess what I got you for Christmas

 

This  week, while searching for some gift-giving inspiration, I came across some useless, unusual, funny and just downright odd gifts for Christmas. We all have hard to please/got everything people in our lives which makes gift sourcing a challenge. I am here to help.  Here are a few of my finds:

Wasabi lip balm

For all the lip balm lovers out there. The gift that will ensure your recipient curses remembers you for this very  unusual gift. I wonder how hot it would be.

Indoor fireworks

For the person in your life that can’t seem to  do enough damage  get enough out of the outdoor variety. Would be useful for colder climates, on the days that limit your entertainment to the indoors. I would recommend  for homes with high ceilings and plenty of space? Actually, I don’t  recommend them at all (please see disclaimer).

Inflatable cactus

This would be a great gift for those that kill plants, can’t have plants or miss their desert home. The beauty of this gift is that it is maintenance -free and only requires plenty of hot air at the beginning. You inflate it then leave it.  I know lots of people like that.

Vomiting man pen holder

It’s practical, it’s funny and it’s pink. What’s not to love?

 

Puppy  Tweets

Come on! This is adorable and thoughtful. A gift for the pet -obsessed person in your life.  Who wouldn’t like to get a tweet from their dog?

 

Nose soap dispenser

Another practical, funny gift. I would give this gift with green- coloured liquid soap to maintain authenticity. A wonderful addition to any modern bathroom. Your gift will be the talking point of any Christmas party.

 

Cell-mate

It’s stylish, it’s practical and it’s safe. Hands -free talking for the cell phone enthusiast. Giving this gift says “I love you and I want you to be safe”. Not practical for texting – but you shouldn’t be texting and driving anyway!

 

The Knork

Sounds cool huh? It’s a  fork and knife in one. Give a set. I can see this becoming a popular verb as in “Have you knorked today?” or “I’d love to knork that piece of fruit”. Really, I can.

 

 

The Peekaru

I have to admit this kind of creeped me out at first but, I can see the practicalities of this gift. It’s stylish and useful for those cold days out with baby. It also provides a bonding experience between mother and child and will be the envy of all passers-by. A great gift for all the fashion conscious attention seekers living in cold climates.

 

The giggling Mona Lisa Pillow

A great gift for all the art lovers in your life. She giggles when you squeeze her. It ‘s soft, it’s clever and it’s ironic.

 

 

That wraps up (pardon the pun) this post for today. I hope I have given you some ideas for the hard to please person in your life. Merry Christmas.

 

Disclaimer: While every effort is made to ensure that accurate information is provided on this site, I make no representation about the quality of these products. In no event shall I be liable for loss of limbs, damage to property, loss of friendship, psychological or emotional problems that may arise from the provision of this information.

 

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Life is a rollercoaster – and some days I just want to get off!

Could someone please explain to me why some days are absolute bliss while others are like a rollercoaster that I just can’t get off? Sometimes they are a combination of both. Our family can go from a scene out of Everybody loves Raymond to 7th Heaven in five seconds flat.

Admittedly, there are days when I know I am the one responsible. I bought the tickets and willingly got on the ride. I take on too much and it all goes pear shaped. Other days I am the unwilling rider, pushed on by peer pressure and ‘scaredy cat’ taunts where I feel like I have to be ‘super mum’ and it’s all beyond my control. Never mind about ‘Mother guilt’. This is a whole different kettle of fish.

Upon pondering this theory of the rollercoaster of life, I have examined others’ take on it. Movies, books, poetry, songs, blogs and art give us many narratives on life. Here is a selection of my findings:

John Lennon, in Beautiful Boy, sang ‘Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans’.

Tom Cochrane sang “Life is a highway“.

In the movie Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks says, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get’.

In the Hitch Hiker’s guide to the Universe, we find out that the meaning of life =42

Monty Python based a series of skits around The Meaning of Life.

The poet Langston Hughes wrote a poem titled, ‘Life is Fine’ and Sir WalterRaleigh wrote ‘Life’.

Ronan Keating sang ‘Life is a rollercoaster‘.

Ani Difranco is quoted as saying ‘ Life is a B movie: it’s stupid and it’s strange, it’s a directionless story, the dialogue is lame,but in the ‘he said she said’ sometimes’s there’s some poetry, if you can turn your back long enough and let it happen naturally’.

‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while,you could miss it’  – fromFerris Bueller’s Day Off.

‘Life is beautiful’ by Sixx:AM

‘Life is like a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can’ –  Unknown.

‘The secret of life is in art’ – Oscar Wilde.

‘Life is just one damned thing after another’ – Unknown.

‘An unexamined life is not worth living’ – Socrates.

Watch the movie ‘My life as a dog‘ directed by Lasse Hallstrom.

Jack Hardy said, ‘I hope life isn’t a big joke –  because I don’t get it’.

Last but not least is my favourite:

‘We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we just join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love’. Dr Suess.

From all this I decided the following formula for life and what to do when some days are rollercoasters:

• Don’t make plans
• Go on a road trip
• Eat chocolate
• Life begins at 42
• Watch Monty Python because then all else seems sane
• Read and write poetry as therapy
• Don’t listen to Ronan Keating, he has no clue
• Turn your back and watch B movies
• When days are bliss – stop and look, if not – keep going…fast!
• Get up at 6am then life will be beautiful
• Throw paint as therapy
• Enjoy art in all it’s forms because Oscar Wilde cannot be wrong and does not keep secrets
• Don’t swear – it makes you bitter and unmemorable
• Don’t undervalue a good examination of philosophy
• Get a dog, play with a dog, be a dog
• Make jokes to hide the fact you don’t have a clue, at least life is funny then
• Read Dr Seuss. That guy had a clue.

For those of you that are visual learners I have included the following:

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The Jace Face

Our children can say the funniest things. They also have some great expressions. My all time favourite is The Jace Face.

When Master 6 was a toddler, he began to make the funniest, laugh-until-you-cry face I have ever seen. If you don’t believe me see below:

This wasn’t a face made in reaction to anything or out of frustration. He would just pull it out for any old reason. Oh, but this boy is smart. He soon cottoned on to the entertainment value that making this face would produce. Our cries of “Make the face” would soon be met with utter disdain and there was no way he was performing on demand for anybody.

A family of face-pullers we are. Yet, nothing compares to The Jace Face. Even today, at 6, he will just appear in a photo with a knee-dropping, chortle-inspiring unique face from his never-ending repertoire. My comedic child. Even with a face- full of food.

Neighbours – and I’m not talking about the TV show

Image via Wikipedia

‘Neighbours‘ is an institution in Australia.Love it or hate it, there it is. Most of my generation has grown up with the show, which first screened on Australian television in 1985 and I’m fairly sure it is the longest running show on Australian TV.

I don’t really want to talk about the show. I want to introduce you to my neighbours which are nothing like the characters depicted in the fictitious Ramsay Street of TV Neighbours. Those people don’t compare to the nightmares that I have endured over the past 15 years. It hasn’t all been bad. There have been some wonderfully normal and amiable people that I have been blessed to live next door to. Some of my past neighbours and I even keep in touch today. No. What I am really aching to tell you all about are those outrageous, odd, painful, loud and truly weird neighbours. The ones with the bad habits and unacceptable social behaviour that make living next door to them unbearable at times, entertaining at others.

Here are my list of most memorable neighbours and their antics that have earned them a special place on my list:

The Arguers

They just love a good argument and will proudly display their skills at 6am, 10pm and 2am, or if you are really, lucky at hourly intervals. These arguments are identified by their stop-start nature. It’s really all the same argument just rehashed over several hours and usually but not limited to being accompanied by the consumation of excessive amounts of alcohol. I, however, cannot imagine waking up and being so angry at 6am as to have a full blown argument in the driveway of my home, spewing out all our ghastly secrets/financial issues/relationship problems. My husband and I were lucky enough to be invited to their wedding which ended (so I heard later) in an all-in brawl and security removing several individuals from the reception venue. Class act. One particular favourite argument broadcast to all and sundry was what I have coined The Red Hot Pie incident.It goes a little like this. Wife comes home from work at 1am and finds new husband on an internet dating/swingers etc website called Red Hot Pie. Wife finds out new husband has paid $200 dollars for this privilege. Wife pulls phone out of wall and clocks hubby over the head. Internet over. Husband over and out. Brilliant stuff.

The Drinkers

I like a drink. I have, at times, had a little too much. I usually embarrass myself, sing a little too loudly and fall asleep in my clothes. Not these neighbours. You can set your clock by their drinking. Friday afternoon, cars revving, loud, dogs barking ,obnoxious, yelling out at passers by. Then come the arguments, door slamming, more car revving as someone has walked out on someone else. Good, solid entertainment here. Mornings are greeted by the sound of a hundred bottles emptied into the bin outside. Ready for another session.

The Kiwis

No, I am not being racist. His nickname is Kiwi and I haven’t met his wife so, we just call them The Kiwis. The Kiwis live right next door to The Drinkers and they are also friends of The Arguers. The Kiwis are fairly harmless but are categorized by some fairly bizzare behaviour and the occasional street siege. The wife uses a petrol blower inside the house. Each to there own I guess. My husband had to rescue Kiwi from the roof of his home after he had climbed up there to have a drink? and got stranded when the ladder fell down. I really don’t know what he was doing up there to be honest but that man has a beer with him wherever he goes. The siege was a very important cultural event in our neighbourhood. A time of bonding and togethereness. Kiwi’s son had taken a hammer to his father after God knows what and Kiwi had tried to strangle him. The police were called. Weapons were drawn. Loudspeakers announced the beginning of a two hour event that had a great turnout. The crowds massed and people swapped stories. I happened to tell another Kiwi friend of mine and she said “What kind of ghetto do you live in Vix? Fun times.

The Fugitives

Last, but definitely not least, are the most famous neighbours I have ever had. As it turned out, they were on the run and had provided false identities. I had a thoroughly enjoyable visit from the Federal police after a night of frivolity which included the raiding of the premises,a battering ram and flashing lights until 2am. The two had been dressing up as cleaners and robbing shopping centres. The man had been on the run for 3 years for a rather famous robbery that I dare not write about here. I knew I should have been suspicious when he erected a virtual fortress of  shade cloth and just what was that police scanner for? Silly me, everybody does that.

The Hoarders

Presently, I live next door to a hoarder.I know it is a disease and I will not make light of that here but living next door to a hoarder is challenging and not much fun either. My husband and I tend to deal with it, as with most things, with humour. Recently, my daughter came running into our house screaming, “Mum. Mum. Dad just whipper-snipped a rat right in half. It was awesome, come and have a look”. He sure did. It had scurried right under the fence from the neighbour’s side just as my husband was trimming the edges. Awesome.

I could go on. I won’t. I have also had my fair share of really odd  flatmates too when I was at University. I might leave that for another time and another post. Now, I bet you have had some great neighbours too. I would love to hear some stories. I could write a book about mine.

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