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Posts tagged ‘relationship’

10 things my husband can’t do

Husband for Hire

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Confession time. Let’s all admit that there are things our partners do that annoy us, baffle us and just drive us plain crazy.

We all have little quirks, odd behaviours and moments of utter procrastination and laziness. Some of us are clean freaks, forgetful, naggers and obsessive however, after 15 years of marriage, there are 10 things I have determined that my husband just can’t do.

  1. Iron wrinkles out of clothes
  2. Find something in the fridge/cupboard
  3. Separate laundry
  4. Put things away after he uses them
  5. Ask for directions
  6. Ask for help
  7. Answer a direct question
  8. Make himself a plate of food at a self-serve restaurant
  9. Open a present
  10. Have his photo taken

 

Let’s look at this list in more depth.

My husband is the only person I know who, after ironing, ends up with more wrinkles in the clothes than before he started.

If something isn’t in plain sight in the fridge or the cupboard then it doesn’t exist.” How did that get there?” or “That wasn’t there before” are common utterings in our household.

My husband does the washing occasionally. Everything goes in together, even towels. I am currently sporting pink socks that used to be white and a lovely fluffy shirt that sheds all day long. The gift that keeps on giving.

My sister says she uses a box to store her husband’s ‘left behinds’. That will not work here. The box would be left behind too. I don’t understand a man that will pick up after his children to my admonishing calls of  “If you don’t make them do it they will never learn” yet, can not put his own things away. I find dirty socks under the couch/bed/fridge ( no, that’s an embellishment – they don’t fit, but I’m sure I’d find them there if I did) shoes in every conceivable location, tools and paperwork everywhere. Yes, he misplaces his keys and mobile phone on a regular basis too. My husband actually lost the car once and that deserved a post all of its own(see: Honey, I lost the car).

My husband can not and will not ask for directions. He will drive around aimlessly and curse the GPS but oh no, ask for directions? Not in your life! I was actually shocked once when he pulled over to ask a road worker for directions. I was wrong. “Honey, wind down your window and ask him OK?” Sigh.

Ask for help? Nope. Can’t do that either. He has been bleeding like a stuck pig, hanging off ladders and cut open with a chainsaw and not asked for help. No help from family allowed -sorry.Friends? Nah, I’m fine, I can do it all myself. You don’t ask the neighbours for help either but, if you’ve read my last post, that is to be understood.

I don’t know what it is but my husband just cannot answer a direct question. Seriously, not even a question that only requires a simple yes or no. I might leave that one alone. It’s a bit frustrating and ensures that making plans is fraught with frustration.

My husband and I both have Polish heritage and come from fairly large extended families. Food is a big thing. How in the hell do I marry a man that can’t get himself a plate of food? It’s not that he won’t. He does it at home. I once asked him why but since he can’t answer a direct question, we got nowhere.

People generally love receiving and opening presents. Not my husband. Give him a present and he will give it to one of the kids to open. Really. The children are so used to it that they don’t bother wrapping anything anymore.

I have so many beautiful photos and so many of my husband with his fist up, hand up, arm up or shielded by a newspaper, shirt or anything else he can get his hands on. I don’t pester him often for family photos or a happy snap of us together and after 15 years of marriage I have given up. He will just delete them anyway. The only photos I have of us together are ones that other people have taken of us – about 5.

 

There is one more thing that my husband can’t do. I have not included it on this list because it is the one thing that I hope he is never able to do. My husband can never leave the house or me without kissing me goodbye. It doesn’t matter where we are or who is around. For that, I am grateful.

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