thought overload

christmas 2007

Not my usual style, I know.

I am still trying to regain the joy in Christmas since my father passed away in September, 2010  and oddly, I have found this Christmas much harder to navigate emotionally than last. Perhaps now that I have more distance and perspective, it has hit me harder. I am not sure. Last Christmas seemed to go by in a blur. This Christmas I was painfully more aware of who was not amongst us. It has been almost 10 years since my Mother passed away.

I talked to my beautiful, sweet sister this morning and gained some more perspective, gained some more healing ground.

I realised that it is me who has to make new traditions for my family. I am no longer the child , I am only the mother.  Now that I have no living parents, that painful truth is all the more evident.

I say to all of you right now, enjoy every moment you have with your loved ones, whether it be Christmas or other. Each day is a gift and don’t take it for granted. Find a way to appreciate the positives in all people and don’t focus on the negatives. They aren’t important. Clearly, don’t endanger yourself physically or emotionally but find a way to cut through all the drama, hurts and insecurities that can accompany family relations.

I once had a friend who constantly complained about her mother to me. Her mother would in turn call me up and complain about her daughter. I will never know if either realised I was the very same sounding board for both of them  because I always respected their right to have their feelings heard and never betrayed any trust. For years that continued. What I did tell both of them at times though, was…You have each other and that is the gift. Nothing else matters, no matter how annoyed, irritated or hurt you may feel.

I don’t have the gift of being hurt, annoyed or irritated with my mother or father anymore.

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Comments on: "Finding the joy this Christmas" (8)

  1. From the sweet sister to the even sweeter. It was………..deep to read….true to the bone………..and so very real. All of it is felt along with you. Stay close. Family is forever.

  2. Wise words for those who still have a mother or father with them. Once they are gone, we have no more chances to reconcile or reconnect.

  3. I understand where you are coming from, and feel for you that you have this empty space where your dad once was. On the positive side, this is a learning curve for your own children, so see how much you miss your father, and to appreciate their own parents.
    I think the older we get, the more we appreciate our parents and see them in a different light; I know I have with my mother who has reached the grand old age of 91. I appreciate her more, and we show each other more love now than we have ever done. I lost the opportunity with my dad who died 21 years ago, so I’m focusing on the positives with my mother whilst I still have her. Too late when she’s gone.

    • Thanks Barb, I really appreciate what you wrote. I have tried not to be too guarded with my emotions but still keep them in check as I know how confusing/scary that can be for children. I remember the only time I ever saw my mother cry. My Grandfather had been in a car accident and had later died in hospital. My mother was not an emotional person so to see her so distraught was really disconcerting. I was 10 years old when he died. My own daughter had just turned ten when my father died. The difference now is that my daughter and I have talked through our grief, she will come to me at any time and say ‘I miss Poppy Mum’ with a tear in her eye. We have a cuddle and then we have the whole talk that I remember having with my father when I was a young child – the ‘I don’t want you to die’ talk.
      I do agree with you about seeing your parents differently as you get older and I think as you pass through each few years that view changes. As you have a family, and your children grow up, it changes again. I think that is lovely that you still have your Mum…and 91 – that’s fantastic!!! I am glad you are focusing on the positives with your Mum. I learned that lesson after losing my Mum and very nearly made the same mistake with my father. Boy have I learned a lot. Yes, Barb, it is too late when they’re gone.

  4. This is a lovely piece about parents, and loved ones in general. Too many people don’t get this.There’s some of this in my family. Blessings and peace to you vixy.

  5. Thank you mj. It was hard to write. Sending many good wishes back to you and your loved ones.

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